– Oh, there’s a café! Can we stop? I’m gasping for a cuppa.
– No. We’ve only just set off.
– We haven’t. We left ages ago. We’ve been going for hours.
– One hour, 31 minutes, actually. And I’m not stopping. We were late enough leaving as it is.
– Well, that wasn’t my fault. It was you, suddenly deciding that you had to check all the tyre pressures and stuff.
– I only did that because you were still packing!
– Yeah, right.
– Anyway, we’re not stopping. There’s a roundabout coming up. Which way do we go?
– What? Oh flip, hang on…
– Which way?
– I don’t know – hold on – um – where are we…
– Where are we? You’re supposed to know. You’ve got the map.
– Slow down, will you, I need to check the road signs.
– I can’t slow down. There’s cars right behind me! Right then! OK…
– What are you doing?
– What does it look like? I’m going round and round the roundabout, like flipping Zebedee, until you tell me which way to go. Look at the map, will you? Or shall I pick an exit at random?
– All right, keep your hair on. OK, we go that way.
– Which way?
– Yes, but which left?
– That one! The next one!
– You sure?
– Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. They must think we’re absolute nutters, going round three times.
– OK, OK, calm down. We go left at the crossroads coming up. See, sorted.
– Where are you going?
– Left. You said turn left.
– No, no, I meant the other – I meant right. Oh, whoops, sorry…
– Oh, priceless! I don’t know why on earth you’re navigating when you can’t even tell left from right.
– OK, I’ve said I’m sorry! All right! Just turn round. It’s no big deal.
– No. There’s nowhere to turn round. You look at the map. This road’s got to go somewhere.
– You could’ve turned round there, in that driveway.
– There’s someone right behind me! I’m not turning round. Use the map, won’t you? Find another route.
– You never turn round. I don’t know why you won’t do it. Is it some sort of macho male pride thing? Like never admitting you’re wrong or saying sorry? Remember Jackie’s wedding last year? We drove ten miles out of our way because you wouldn’t turn round.
– It was only seven miles. And you were the one who got us lost in the first place.
– Yeah, it’s always my fault, isn’t it? Why don’t you navigate and I’ll drive?
– Because we’d still be stuck behind that farm tractor, getting covered in bits of straw, that’s why.
– That’s not fair! I drive perfectly well and I’m quite capable of overtaking tractors.
– Are you joking? You don’t even know where fifth gear is. Anyway, you’re navigating. Get on with it!
– Fine! OK … I think we’re all right. If we keep going it joins the main road.
– Good. OK. How far, then?
– I dunno. Half an inch?
– Oh, heaven grant me patience!
– Where’s the main road? We should have joined it by now, I think.
– It was that underpass, wasn’t it? I knew it!
– Oh, no, was it? But there wasn’t a way on to it … I don’t get it…
– It’s the map – look at the map! If there’s lines there, then they don’t join and it’s just a bridge … oh, I’ll show you later! We haven’t got time for lessons in basic map reading now. There’s a village coming up. Try to find us a way back on to the main road, for heaven’s sake.
– OK, hang on, I need to turn the map around…
– Not again…
– Someone ought to invent a map that rotates.
– They have! It’s called a sat-nav and I wish I’d got one right now, instead of a dyslexic illiterate who can’t tell north from south!
– Left at the junction.
– What! Are you sure? But that’s east and we need to go west.
– No, left!
– I meant all right, OK, OK? I’m turning left. This has better be right…
– Well, it’s left.
– Ha ha, very funny.
– See! The main road! Told you so, oh ye of little faith.
– Good. About time too.
– How about a thank-you?
– What! You got us lost in the first place! That’s half an hour wasted, wandering around the wilds of the countryside.
– Yeah, all right. They were pretty villages, though.
– This isn’t a scenic tour. I want to get there today, not next week.
– I know, I know!
– Well, at least we’re on the right road now. So, no problemo… Straight on for – how long?
– Hang on, um, I’ll have to add up all the little blue numbers…7, 19, 25 … um … 41, 48, 54… 54!
– 54 what?
– I dunno! Kilometres? Or is it miles…er…
– Great! Kilometres or miles? It does make a difference, you know!
– Hold on, there’s a key … kilometres! Yes, kilometres!
– Fine! OK – not too far. It should only take about forty minutes.
– Come on! Come on!! Typical flat-capped Sunday morning drivers, driving like it’s a hearse… hurry up, won’t you?
– He’s doing sixty. What’s the problem?
– He’s not. He’s only doing fifty-six, actually.
– Oh, stop correcting me! I really wish you’d stop doing that!
– Come on, for heaven’s sake, it’s a straight road. Why are you dithering about like this? Are you taking your granny for a picnic? Get a move on! Right…
– What are you doing?
– Isn’t it obvious?
– Oh, shi…take mushrooms. Oh, that was close.
– Nah – there was miles of room.
– Are you kidding? You nearly hit that lorry! You’re a maniac! There was a double white line – you’re not supposed to overtake.
– It was perfectly safe. Stop making such a fuss. Anyway, at least we can get going now and make up for some of that lost time. We might even get to use fifth gear – look – that’s where it is.
– Yeah, ha ha, very funny.
– OK, now we’re moving…
– Um, can we stop soon? I need the bathroom and I’d love a cup of tea.
– What was that? That flash? Oh, that’s peachy, that is. Did you see that?
– Money-grabbing thieving highwaymen! Swine! That camera got me! I was doing fifty-four, that’s all!
– Well, it is a fifty.
– What! Why didn’t you say so?
– What, tell you you’re driving too fast? I wouldn’t dare.
– Now I’ll have to go on one of those farcical stupid waste-of-time speed awareness courses. Oh, that’s all I need…
– Humph. It’s probably about time you did anyway.
– Oh, stop looking so smug. You drive over the limit, too.
– I thought I couldn’t find fifth gear?
– You’ve always got an answer, haven’t you? Right…
– What are you doing?
– You said you wanted to stop.
– In a café, not in lay-by! I meant a tea and bathroom stop!
– Well, there’s a hedge, isn’t there?
– Don’t be so horrible. I’m not going behind a hedge. I meant at a café or services or something and you know it.
– Yeah, all right, we’ll stop at the next one. Anyway, get out.
– Get out.
– Get out?
– Yes. We’ll swop. I’ll navigate and you can drive.
– Oh! Oh – I thought you were going to abandon me!
– What on earth? Don’t be such a drama queen! Of course I’m not. But I’ll navigate the rest of the way. I’m not going to risk another ten-mile detour through the depths of the countryside.
– Turn left. Then left at the T-junction.
– Right. I mean, OK.
– And it’s about half a mile, on the left. Where’s the booking stuff?
– In my bag.
– OK, I’ll get it. If I can find it – it’s like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag in here. What have you got in here? Camera, apples, flask, torch, can-opener, string, diary, notebook …Good lord… Why have you brought the address book?
– I thought I might send a postcard to someone.
– I can’t see the booking form. Where is it? You’ve got everything in here except the kitchen sink, but no form. Don’t tell me you’ve left it behind!
– OK – I won’t tell you…
– Have you?
– No, of course not! It’s in there. In an envelope thingy. A blue thingy.
– Oh, a blue thingy. I should have known. Of course, it’s obvious. You mean this, don’t you? This plastic wallet.
– Yes, that. It’s in there. See – I hadn’t forgotten it. You just couldn’t find it.
– Well, of course not. Not in this mess of stuff and string and goodness knows what. Anyway, here it is.
– Hey, isn’t that the place? That sign up ahead? But it’s on the right – you said it was on the left. Did you get your left and right mixed up?
– OK, smart-arse! So I made a mistake. Be careful, watch that gatepost! Careful – you – oh – I don’t believe you just did that. Oh, that’s the icing on the cake, that is. There goes my no-claims bonus.
– Oops! Sorry! It’s not my fault anyway. Your car’s too wide. And it was only a tiny bump.
– A tiny bump! Heaven grant me patience!
– Amen to that…
– Of all the careless, slap-dash, half-blind idiots… I don’t know how you ever got through your driving test…
– Ssshhh! Hello?
– Hello! Welcome to the Grace Abounding Christian Conference! Do you have your booking confirmation?
– Yes, here it is.
– Thank-you! Did you have a pleasant journey?
– Yes, it was – pretty straightforward, actually.
– Oh, yes, it was wonderful, best journey I’ve ever had…
– Ssshhh! Sorry, um, he’s had a bad day… don’t mind him…
– OK. Well, here’s your id cards and free lanyards, and here’s your map and programme, and the guide and list of speakers. You’re on Beige seventeen, right next to the Big Top. You’ve got a couple of hours before the evening praise and worship session, so you’ve got plenty of time to put up your tent and get settled in.
– Right. Thanks.
– And here’s a voucher for a free coffee or tea at the Fair Trade café, and a £5 book token for the bookshop, and the opening times for the supermarket, and also a 10% discount voucher for the South American craft stand…
– OK, ta.
– There you go! That’s everything. And we hope that you will have a blessed week here at Grace Abounding!
– Well, she was nice, wasn’t she?
– Yeah, if you say so. Pull over.
– I want to see what damage you’ve done.
– All right! I’ve said I’m sorry! I’ll pay for it – OK?
– That’s not the point. OK, it’s not so bad. I don’t think you actually hit the gatepost, just the hedge. Right, swop over. I’ll drive. I don’t trust you over these potholes.
– I was going really slowly!
– Oh, for heaven’s sake, swop! Get out!
– All right then!
– Right. Yes, you’re all right. You just hit the hedge.
– Anyway, while we’re stopped, let’s have a dekko.
– The programme, you ninny. Let’s have a look, while we’re here.
– OK. Right, here you are.
– Hmm. ‘Fifty ways to share your faith’ with J. Ernest Throckmorton. J. Ernest Throckmorton? What sort of name is that? Sounds like a….
– You can’t think of anything funny, can you?
– Shut up! Right… ‘How to stay married and not kill each other’…
– Joking! OK, how about this – ‘Naked and loving it’…
– Huh? Really?
– No, don’t get too excited. It says ‘a word by word exe – er – exejeesisis thingy of the story of Adam and Eve.
– I dunno… dunno what that is…
– Hey, we should go to that one!
– Which one?
– That one. Tomorrow morning! Look…look, you twit. See. ‘Lost? Let the Almighty help you find direction in your life’!
– Hah! Yes, brilliant! But it would take more than the Almighty to help you find the right direction…
– Well, at least we got here!
– Eventually. OK, come on, you nutcake, let’s go and see if we can find Beige seventeen or whatever it’s called…